‘I fell for the horny married man playing the nice guy routine’

Dear Roe,

I met a man, we had a fling over a weekend. He had a ring, and I asked, but he told me he was divorced, then separated. Then this got a bit vague. Towards the end of the weekend he told me he had children, and also that as we lived a good distance apart, he didn’t see our relationship continuing. I was a little bit “WTF?” to say the least. Sure there was sex, but we had an emotional connection and emotional intimacy, and he seemed to just switch that off when he mentioned his children and thought of home. Is he just a married playboy? Am I not stepmother material in his eyes? What gets me is this “nice guy” really questioned me. He was honest with some probing questions, but why lie? I would have told him to F-off had he said he was married, so he just fed me his lines nicely packaged. I fell for the horny married man playing the nice guy routine and he gets out, trying not to make himself or me feel bad. Or maybe he wasn’t even married and the ring is just a prop to get out of a relationship? He played me.

There isn’t technically a question here, but let’s go along with this dynamic where you have good old-fashioned rant about a man to me as if we’re friends at a bar – except I’m going to give you some harsher truths than a friend would, not out of judgment but out of care. Because sure, it sounds like this guy played you. But you also played yourself. And you deserve better.

[ After seven years, I’m afraid my boyfriend won’t ever proposeOpens in new window ]

You talk about emotional connection and intimacy, and seem very hurt by the fact that this man didn’t take you seriously as a romantic prospect in the long term. This tells me that you do value the idea of a serious relationship, and I want you to be able to find that. But you also have very warped ideas about what a serious relationship entails, and these ideas are causing you to act in ways that are out of alignment with your goals.

Where can my wife and I access porn that is both legal and erotic?

I think I’m in love with my ‘situationship’ but he doesn’t feel the same

‘My brother-in-law wants to move in with us but I don’t think my marriage will survive it’

A weekend fling is just that. It’s not a relationship. It’s not commitment. It’s a contained experience of heightened excitement and intensity and attention and sexual chemistry – and all of these things are great. It’s the reason holiday romances and short-lived connections are so intoxicating. You’re both separated from the humdrum of normal life and its responsibilities, you can lavish each other with nonstop attention, you can tell each your deepest truths, and have endless sex in hotel rooms – and none of it is interrupted by bills or work or kids or simply real-life evidence that refutes their grand declarations that they live for adventure and beauty when actually they’re a bit rigid and complacent and have deep-seated mother issues.

A fling is about fantasy. You can present yourself as the most sexy, sparkling, soulful version of yourself, and the other person can do the same, and you both invest in the fantasy that you would be able to maintain this level of passionate intensity in the real world. But when the weekend ends and Monday rolls around with its work meetings and, in this case, wives waiting at home with the kids, the fantasy ends.

[ ‘I’m a married woman but my work crush is getting complicated’Opens in new window ]

This man is a liar and a player and I feel deeply sorry for his wife, who is the real victim here. And I understand that you feel hurt and betrayed and disappointed that this man lied to you, slept with you, and revealed himself to be uninterested in anything real with you.

But you are also giving away way too much of your power, and only when you reclaim that will you start to make better choices and move towards the life you want. You did not behave like someone who was interested in anything real. You are an adult with agency and choice, and you made choices on this weekend. You chose to go along with a fantasy from the very beginning and are now acting like you were blindsided by his betrayal, when the bigger – and thankfully, more fixable – issue is that you betrayed yourself.

If you want something real, you don’t get to skip all the work and simply assume it will be delivered to you in a weekend fling like room service

If you want something real, don’t entertain men with wedding rings, even if he says he’s divorced, because either he’s lying or he’s divorced but still wearing his wedding ring, and either scenario tells you very clearly that he is not emotionally available or ready for a serious relationship.

If you want something real, understand that takes time and commitment, and work to build it with someone. You need to get to know each other, experience real life things together, and see how you navigate life’s challenges together. If you want something real, you don’t simply believe what someone tells you over three days and invest your life’s dreams into their unproven words. If you want something real, you don’t get to skip all the work and simply assume it will be delivered to you in a weekend fling like room service.

Which brings us to your “Am I not stepmother material in his eyes?” question. Let me be very, very clear: no one – and I mean no one – should let someone who believes that a weekend fling proves they are “stepmother material” (whatever that means) anywhere near their children. This is where your fantasy life isn’t just threatening to hurt you, but other people, because the truth is, you have a big blind spot when it comes to what real commitment is and actually requires – in romance, let alone in parenting. And until you see it clearly, you’ll keep getting stuck in versions of this same story.

Real love and parenthood have a lot of the same qualities. They’re often unglamorous and demand deep stability, strong values, clear communication, strong boundaries, emotional regulation and a deep commitment to someone else’s life beyond your own. That doesn’t come out of a fling. That comes from building a relationship brick by brick, with time, truth and mutual effort.

And if you really want that kind of life - a real partnership, maybe even a family - you’ve got to stop thinking that wanting it is the same as being ready for it. You’ve got to get curious about your own expectations. Why do you attach so fast? Why do you equate a weekend of emotional openness with long-term potential? Why do you invest in fantasy over committing to the work and rewards of reality?

This isn’t judgment. It’s a wake-up call. Because you are worthy of love, and partnership, and maybe even a family of your own some day. But only if you’re willing to get honest about the difference between fantasy and reality, and do the internal work required to show up for the real thing when it comes. That’s when you’ll stop chasing emotionally unavailable men and start choosing people who are actually ready to build something with you.

This weekend didn’t prove anything about your worth or your potential. It just showed you where you need to do the work - on boundaries, on self-trust, on not mistaking intensity for intimacy. And that work? It’s not sexy. But it’s real. And it’s where actual love begins.

So have your rant. Finish your drink. Then let this man be exactly what he is: a mirror for what you no longer want, and a lesson you never have to repeat.